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Ponderings And Other Such Nonsense

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How it is .. How it Was .. How it will be...

Posted by shibarir on February 1, 2014 at 6:25 PM Comments comments (2)

Catching up by posting a blog today. 

Today would have been my 17th wedding anniversary...  I am not certain how I feel about that. 

Not certain how I feel about alot of things anymore...


Moving home has been quite an .. experience to say the least. I texted my sister today and told her I love and hate living here.   I love living here because of the small town, of getting to be near my family . I hate however the economy , not being able to make much of a living ,  I hate that , my car is no longer driveable . I feel like i am dependant for so many things.  I am  having to live with my parents for the time being. Which is also a love /hate thing.  I love my parents more than anything , TRULY , I do.  I do not love being treated as tho I am twelve. My mom and I have a hard time getting along because she feels the need to "control" life , rather than let it just happen.  I am 45 years old I think I know when I need to sleep or not. ( I will swing back to this in a minute)

There is nothing to do in this town, you have to drive 30 minutes just to go to a movie.  I don't drink , I don't go to bars... and I don't go cow tipping... Nothing to do.

So I game , or I go on Secondlife to chat with friends. 

I should be writing but , yeah ... that isn't happening much.  

On SecondLife I have owned not 1 but 2 very successful clubs. The Cyanide Chamber , which I sold to Darius and now the Asylum.  I am very excited about the Asylum as we have just had a marriage of sorts with COMA Radio  https://www.facebook.com/COMARadio  and http://coma-online.com/  , I and my dj's that work for me inside secondlife stream LIVE on the radio! It is a pretty exciting deal. 

I was online and my mom came in and she began the conversation like this.. 

Mom :  I thought you were a real dj. not on Secondlife... ( there was a conotation there that just doesn't come through in text)

Me:  Uh... I dj through secondlife and COMA radio.

Mom : KOMA in Oklahoma City.. I do NOT think so.

Me.  Uh.. NO .. COMA radio , with a C.  I will be glad to get you a link.

Mom:  Well , I didn't know you owned a SEX CLUB on secondlife...

Me.. WTF are you talking about I don't own a sex club... I own a music club where people talk and dance... (turns computer around for her to see)

Her : and how much is THIS costing you .. 

Me :  We are sponsored by Coma.. .. 

yes i switched to her .. i do that when i am upset. 

Seriously, I wonder if I will ever.. and I do mean EVER be good in my mothers eyes. It is incredibly disheartening to be thought of as being bad all the time.  Kind of like when she found my blog.  "is THIS the kind of girl you want people to think you are"

Me .. IT is the kind of girl I am , mom , it doesn't make me a whore.  I don't sleep around. but I am sex postive there is nothing wrong with sex, unless you have hang ups with it.  I only sleep with one person , when I am in a relationship ... no relationship .. no sex... I am unsure what you mean by .. THAT kind of girl.

Part of me thinks that we will never see eye to eye and I will be a disappointment for the rest of my life.

I feel like I am suffocating . 

All of my emotional stuff hits me in one week, and on top of that I get my period too.  ::shakes my fist at heaven:: 

BEING A GIRL SUCKS !

So then came the dreaded discussion of my female cycle with my mom .  

Mom: Why don't you get your period more often than you do?

Me :  Because I have an IUD  , so I don't get my period

Mom :  Why do you need that , you aren't having (whispers)  SEX are you?

Me.. NO .. I am not having sex... I have an IUD to not get my period.

Mom : Why ? That isn't healthy .. (then the explanation of why this is not healthy)

Me: Because my period is a reminder to me, of my inability to have children. It tells me everytime it comes around that YOU ARE INFERTILE.  YOU WILL NEVER BE A MOM.  

then i start crying 

Mom : I understand that , when are you getting it out?

I have a year left .. and then i get to go bat shit insane every month til menopause .. YAY me!

well that is enough of that .. You know how you just have to vent? .. 

Well yeah that is what this is ..




All I want ....

Posted by shibarir on December 19, 2013 at 2:10 PM Comments comments (0)

Merry Christmas ! 

It seems this time of year has snuck up on me . My life has been pretty busy ..  Every year I would wish to be "home for Christmas"   Last year when I came home , I didn't want to go back to Vegas. 

In June I moved home .. and it looks like I will spend my EVERY Christmas here from now on.

So wishes do come true.

My mom starts bugging me around October for a Christmas list.. and I never know what to ask for. This year, I really don't know what I want. 

My car to be fixed or replaced would be great.. but .. that is still up in the air.  I made a list on Amazon for her, just stuff that I saw and liked... I am posting it here for you to see the workings of my mind . 

Shibari's Christmas Wish List

Thank you Amazon for always having fun stuff to look at and dream about. 

I think the real thing I want is for it to snow for Christmas.  It just makes the holiday seem that much more .. here? i guess.  

Today I am going to do a little shopping after work for Christmas.. and then this weekend I will be baking my tush off , so I can gift my friends and family here. 

My sugar cookie dough is chilling .. and waiting to be baked <3 

Normally I do a Christmas List for Santa also .. and put a lot of silly and weird stuff on there .. but this year I am feeling a little more introspective..  In all honesty, I don't want anything for myself .. but something for the people and causes I am so passionate about. 

This was the conversation last night with me and my mom : 

Mom- There is 6 presents under the tree.. and they are ALL FOR YOU!  (nobody else is home for Christmas this year just me and the parents)

Me: Cool I will go shake the shit out of them here in a minute

Mom- you do and the puppy is gonna barf

Me (eyes widened)  You got me a puppyyyyy?  (knows this isn't true but keeps going) I always wanted a puppy for Christmas ( this is true)  Oh my gosh I am so excited!

Mom- NO you are NOT getting a puppy for Christmas .. you have two already that you are lucky we  are letting you keep ... 

Me-  Then... (pouting)  you ... lied to me? you told me you would never lie to me...

Mom- I lied..

Me- wow should I learn from example?

Mom- keep it up and you don't get the 6 presents...

Whatevs... I still want a golden retriever puppy <3

I am thinking that when I have a little bit more money I want to splurge on a gaming computer, Since ..Sos got me into WoW.  Now I am in some gaming guild and waiting for WildStar to drop.. Call me a gamer girl !

I hope you all have a blessed and happy Christmas... and that your 2014 is filled .. with joy , love and prosperity. 

For all of us I hope the peace of that first Christmas long ago settles into our hearts and we carry it all year long!

Much love to all of you!!!

Dear Santa:

 

It is now 5 days to Christmas Eve.

I am not even sure what to ask for this year. It seems arrogant to ask for things,

When there are people who have even less than I do.

We both know that I have had a less than awesome year this year. I make this list every year,

usually as entertainment, putting outlandish and expensive things that would be fun to have..

but really I don't expect to get.

 

In reality I have all that I need.

 

I have a family that loves me. A best friend who not only understands me but is similar to me,

in our paths of pain. I lost a car.. was given a car. I have a warm home , doggies that love me,

and I adore them right back . I have the sun in the morning and the moon at night.

 

What more could a girl want...

 

I guess, I wish that there would be no more human suffering.

Whether it be physical or emotional.

 

I wish for my friend's heart to be healed, and that the true desire of his heart be given to him.

 

I wish there were no more shelter animals .. That people would be responsible and spay and neuter

there pets. That there would be no animal abuse, and that EVERY animal has a good and loving home.

 

That there would be no more children in orphanges or children's homes. That child abuse would cease.

That EVERY child would know and feel love, have loving parents .

 

For childless parents- Those that truly desire to have children but can't, That there wounds of their hearts

would be healed.. and that their homes would be filled with the sounds of children's laughter and

the pitter patter of little feet as they run happily to the arms that desire to hold them.

 

That there would be no more wars.

 

That the soldiers overseas could come home.

 

That people would truly learn to love and respect each other. That people would learn to communicate with

words and not their fists.

 

That everyone would have a home.. and someone that loves them, and that all would have what they need.

 

While desires for "things" that are sparkly .. or fun can be nice.

it is the things that move the heart that I want this year.

 

While it would be awesome .. to have a new laptop for gaming .. in the grand scheme of things, and in the spirit of

Christmas, It is better to give than receive. So what I really want for Christmas, is for people

to have hope again . To remember what it was like before life got so hard.

 

Sincerely,

Shibari

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Accidents Happen

Posted by shibarir on November 2, 2013 at 9:00 PM Comments comments (0)












































Today .. I was so excited, I got up and got ready.. Took a shower put on make up and me the nephew and one of his buddies were going to go to Lubbock . We were going to take pictures.. eat lunch and just have an overall awesome day . NOT being stuck at home .


So we loaded up in the Aztek ... and my nephew says Hey Aunt Darr can we go to McDonalds? 

So we started there .. In my town it is VERYsmall we have all ONE WAY streets ... I was in the Left lane and there was a truck in the right lane .. I started to go straight and he was going also .. then he decided to turn .. 

NO turn signal ... nothing .. and i slammed on my brakes.. at which point.. he kinda squished .. my passenger side. 

He immediately turns on his blinker like he was meaning to turn all along and my nephew says " OMG he didn't have his blinker on .. and now he does ..."   

I called the police .. they came and got my information , then Officer Taylor says " you don't have to worryy ma;am he has valid insurance .. you may leave " 

I am actually shocked that my vehicle could move .. but .. obviously .. it can drive but .. it will be totalled it would take more money to replace parts than just replace my car.  JOY 

It shattered all the glass on the passenger side... and we have cuts and bruises but are otherwise ok. 

I have shaken off and showered and i am still finding glass.. SCARY . 

I will post pictures   ...




Accidents Happen

Posted by shibarir on November 2, 2013 at 9:00 PM Comments comments (0)

Today .. I was so excited, I got up and got ready.. Took a shower put on make up and me the nephew and one of his buddies were going to go to Lubbock . We were going to take pictures.. eat lunch and just have an overall awesome day . NOT being stuck at home .


So we loaded up in the Aztek ... and my nephew says Hey Aunt Darr can we go to McDonalds? 

So we started there .. In my town it is VERYsmall we have all ONE WAY streets ... I was in the Left lane and there was a truck in the right lane .. I started to go straight and he was going also .. then he decided to turn .. 

NO turn signal ... nothing .. and i slammed on my brakes.. at which point.. he kinda squished .. my passenger side. 

He immediately turns on his blinker like he was meaning to turn all along and my nephew says " OMG he didn't have his blinker on .. and now he does ..."   

I called the police .. they came and got my information , then Officer Taylor says " you don't have to worryy ma;am he has valid insurance .. you may leave " 

I am actually shocked that my vehicle could move .. but .. obviously .. it can drive but .. it will be totalled it would take more money to replace parts than just replace my car.  JOY 

It shattered all the glass on the passenger side... and we have cuts and bruises but are otherwise ok. 

I have shaken off and showered and i am still finding glass.. SCARY . 

I will post pictures   but my url is being a dick



Happy Sunday

Posted by shibarir on October 27, 2013 at 12:55 PM Comments comments (0)

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Good Morning... 

It really is a good day... well the start of a good day . The autumn sun is shining bright- it is a little warmer than yesterday.  The puppies and I got up and  spent time outside while coffee was brewing. Now I am sitting here writing , drinking some vanilla coffee and snuggling with my little Mollie Mae.  It is kind of a beautiful feeling . 

I decided after my .. ugly day yesterday that I am going to be the change . Well I am going to make the changes necessary for me to feel better about myself, and stop letting other persons make me feel bad either about my life.. my situation .. or just myself in general.

I personally don't understand why life has to be such a battle. 

I have had a rough couple of months.  

Most of my life is spent .. working or just being at home anymore. For those of you that are just reading , I moved from Las Vegas, Nevada to a very small town in New Mexico. I have gone from being in a city where you can do anything at any time of the day. To a town with 12,000 peple .. country roads that wind through farm after farm , and the town streets roll up at 7 pm.  Most businesses are closed here on Sunday which I don't mind at all.  I am spending time with my  folks .  My dogs have adapted well to being farm dogs. Murphey loves the wide open spaces and runs and runs. While Mollie blues clues'  the yard ... sniffing here and there. 

There is a wonderful aspect of moving away from Las Vegas and that is Stars.  Because of the bright lights you never see the stars . Here there is no street lamps .. so the stars illuminate dark nights like millions of tiny lights pin pricked against black canvas. 

I have been learning how to do tasks like gardening, and raising my own vegetables. I have been learning to can or preserve the vegetables that I am growing . This was my mom's idea.  I canned pickled beets-  and then Tomatoes.. TONS of tomatoes... I have canned those various ways ..   tegular tomatoes .. tomato Sauce , tomatoe juice , pickeled tomatoes, tomatoe relish ... yesterday I made a half gallon of salsa .   

Last weekend we got our first freeze of the season .  THAT was not fun at all, it was an early freeze and we had all of those tomatoes... My parents were in Albequerque picking up my nephew, so it was left to me to get all those tomatoes off before the 28 degree weather spoiled our entire crop. So I headed outside,  with baskets and plastic bags and started picking tomatoes.  My dogs followed along behind me supervising my every move.  I picked 128 POUNDS of tomatoes...  That is like an entire person.... I am paying for it tho.  My poor knees hate me . I have discovered that knee surgery has made my knees weak and angry with yard work.  So I have been in horrible pain. barely able to walk the last week - I have taken ibuprofen and given in to taking my surgery meds to try and stay off the pain in my knees . The colder weather here doesn't help.  

I am quite enjoying my life here .. I love waking up in the morning and sitting on the porch and having coffee with the cows...  Seriously!  There is a field full of steers  across the road and they all sit and stare at me as I have my coffee. 

I have a horse.. his name is Little Red.. . He isn't little by any means .. About 16 hands tall .  His coat is a really rich red color and he has a great disposition. I just love him to pieces.  If I am out in the pen he will follow me around nibbling on my hair or  my shirt.  Most days he likes to stand at the fence by the yard... people will stop their cars and talk to him. He is a very social horse.  Makes me kinda giggle to say that.. but it is true. He loves the attention.

It is kind of weird with all of the ... crap that has been going on that sometimes it is hard to see the good stuff.  I try really hard not to dwell on the bad .. but someitmes the bad .. seems to happen in clusters.  I am .. a very loyal person .  If you are my friend .. or loved one I am extremely loyal to a fault.  I love people in spite of their flaws and faults.  Even people who don't treat me awesome ..   I use this blog to kind of decompress, so  you will see my rants here.. ya know?  It's cheaper than therapy and it helps me to kind of flesh out what I need to do . Sometimes that can be seen as wallowing.. Which I am not .. I just need to sometimes write it out .. read it .. and figure shit out from there.   

I decided to change some aspects of my life, and decided to change my circles of trust.. I guess. People who talked down to me .. People who talked about me .. People who encite drama .. or inject it in my life were cut from my life.  This was a painful process.  Excruciating really.  Because I am not one to let anyone go ever.  Thus my current situation ... Eradicating someone from your life is I guess easy for some .. but for me .. not so much .  I always want to believe the very best of people ... Believe they can be better than they behave .  Something...  It breaks my heart to lose people from my life.  

But this I do know NEEDS to happen it must.  In order for me to be a happy .. or healthy Shibi .. I am not going to let people sabotage me , or hurt me anymore.   I am not going to be the girl that is last on someones list.. I have done this all my life.  Been Second best or Second choice.   My friend Syn told me yesterday .. you always have all these men that want you...  Eh... they think because I have a japanese rope bondage name  and that I write about sex postive things that I am easy or a toy .  I am neither of these things.   I am a good girl for the most part.. sure I like some naughty things .. but that is reserved for someone special . I don't have "hook ups"   I never have.   

So I have to tell you I hate getting messages of  "let's fuck " or " let's be naughty"   I want something .. real.. something tangible ... and something sweet.    Anything else.. is gonna be met with a firm NO.    

While I am submissive .. I will only submit to one.. THE ONE.  And until he shows his face.. then .. it looks like I am gonna be .. just me, and I am ok with that .

I will write more later.. I have some chores to do . The folks are out of town for three weeks, so  I am going to enjoy doing my laundry today ,  Get the dusting done, and water the plants.  It is well on it's way to being a good day...

bleeding love

Posted by shibarir on October 27, 2013 at 12:05 AM Comments comments (0)

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What is it with us humans ? 

A rhetorical quesion really... but really what the fuck?! 

We are never happy with what we have... or we try to smother what we desire...

Yeah I don't get it either... 

He... always pushes me away.

Never has time ...

summons me when he wants attention. 

and i am incredibly tired of working for someone's attention .. that doesn't want to give it.

Or doesn't want me . 

So ... how do I close my heart for business?

... How do I quit bleeding love for someone .. 

I don't understand... 

I continually wonder.. .what is wrong with me .. 

But I think that is from the continual barrage of words telling me how wrong I am . 

I am trying to get to the psychology of why I feel the need to keep running back for more.  It is like I want to prove myself... that I AM good enough...  That despite him being an ASS  I am an awesome fucking girlfriend...I am full of love. .. and fun.. and creativity... He is sour.. never in a good mood and WHAT DO I SEE IN HIM .. .really? 

All I know is I am tired of being last... I want .. desire and deserve someone who loves me .. who is my friend .. who thinks I am as much fun as they are . That truly wants to see me first thing .. or text me first thing .. or talk to me first thing.  I want someone who wants to touch my hand or my cheek.. Someone who laughs with me, cries with me .. holds me .. God is this too much?

I have friends that I set up- you know matchmaking .. those who can't have relationships like to see the ones they care about have them .. 

When I do this I find a list of requirments... you know what they do and don't like...

Well i was thinking about my list... and here it is...

Sense of humor, must be able to laugh alot, and not be too serious! 

Body type not really an issue... I am more interested in one's heart. 

Must be .. confident..  and be able to take charge when I am just not able to.

I would like very much to be with someone who lets me be equal in life.. but can take a more Dominant role for fun.

Age - between 35-50 . 

Must like Quality time.. hand holding .. sunsets and dogs, well most animals. I love cats but am allergic .

I prefer a person who does not smoke as I have asthma and that kinda. .. kills me .

Must love music, movies, and have a belief in God. I am Christian ( a very flawed one but that is my belief system)  

Must not be an abusive fucker.. either with words or physically.    yeah i am pretty sure that is not all my list .. but .. I am pretty depleted .. right now .. Not even sure it matters about a list 

Because I am pretty sure .. that stuff doesn't matter anyway.


Words...

Posted by shibarir on October 20, 2013 at 6:40 PM Comments comments (4)

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Words ... 

Words can be beautiful ... the way they roll off of your tongue, the way they sound as they reverberate on the air.  Words can be sensuous and loving and joyful. They can be encouraging, and build people up. But they can also tear down. Words when wielded correctly .. can murder a persons spirit ... as well as any sword ever crafted for war. 

I have spoken previously about phsyical abuse I have endured... and emotional and verbal abuse as well.  Most people think,k that physical abuse is awful because it leaves bruises and broken bones.   But verbal abuse.. bullying ... well that leaves scars deep on someone's soul.  

I remember after being hit someone saying "sorry"  and that was supposed to make it all better.  

It didn't. 

Nor did any apologies for name calling ever fix any of the hurts that I have ever felt  by what people say to me . 

It is like throwing a plate on the floor .. watching it shatter and saying ... "oh sorry" and expecting it to be fixed.

As a child ... I was ridiculed because .. well I had a strange name .. and I wore glasses.  I tried to stay in during recess because it was easier than being outside with those kids that made me feel horrible about myself.

I had a situation when I was in second grade.  My bluebird troupe had just returned from Disneyland.  I had never been and it was truly one of the best times I had ever had.  We had all gone in our little red white and blue uniforms ... and I came home with a most prized possession  a tinkerbell necklace!  It was special because my family never had much money, and it was the ONE thing that I had eyed and wanted.  My parents immediately got it for me.  So when we got home I proudly took my beautiful tinkerbell necklace to school for show and tell.  I practically floated to school I was so happy. That afternoon my best friend LaDonna and I walked home from school ... we walked through the park and giggled and talked about our trip.  When three teenage girls circled us  and held us at the park for three hours. They mocked us ... harassed us .. tormented us and terrified us.  One of the girls grabbed my beautiful tinkerbell necklace and broke it off of my neck and then broke tink in two.  I cried  and cried.  
My mom and the police came to find us ... rescued us from these hateful girls .  

It is a situation I don't talk about much, but there it sits in the back of my mind.

KIDS ARE CRUEL! 

It carried on to junior high because well .. I got my curves early .. big boobs and hips in a sea of stick figures , and that was another reason to ridicule me . 

High School... God.... let's turn the sharks loose and throw buckets of blood in the water and watch all of the people try to escape unscathed.  

Those bitchy girls you know the ones.. .They stood in a corner and became the school's judges and jury of what is or isn't cool. God forbid you are different - or like things that aren't the normal .  Here comes  punk rock loving .. swim against the current... theatre going .. poetry writing shibs.   The sharks circled and  devoured me. 

Boyfriends in highschool.... NOPE.  Not unless they were from another school, because I was reviled in high-school by the queen bees. 

College came, and suddenly I was cool.. I dated I had fun - made friends that were just as ecclectic as me . My major was theatre when I started, so I hung out with all the other theatre geeks .  They liked alternative and punk music, didn't mind my doc martens ... or the fact I shaved the back of my head .. dyed my hair funny colors.. I was now progressive.  who knew? 

Then a string of ... bad relationships - Let me repeat this .. NO AMMOUNT OF SORRIES will ever bury the fact that someone has called you  the following...
  • Stupid
  • Ugly
  • Fat
  • You're not that special, and you are not that pretty. 
  • Bitch
  • Cunt
  • Asshole
  • You disappoint me.
  • You will never be enough.
The list is long and wide.  Those are just a few .   Sorry never makes you feel beautiful again. Sorry never makes you feel as loved as you did before words cut through your soul and killed whatever ounce of self esteem you once had. 

I have found in cyber circles people can be this cruel if not more so. 
People hide behind beautiful avatars and show their ugly souls by spewing filth and garbage at people ...  Talking behind peoples backs .. Calling names... and saying things they would never EVER say to another person's face because they would end up in a physical fight . Or maybe they would say it to a person's face, there truly are people out there that live to tear people down for sport.  Laughing as they shred someone and bring them to tears. 

Haven't we seen enough of this?

Everyone screams for change in their lives... But to change don't you have to start with yourself?

Be the change you want to see in the world?   I think Ghandi had something there.   BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE. 

Why do we spend SO much time withdrawing more and more from peoples emotional banks than filling them wiht deposits and building them up? 

Is it really too much effort to say something NICE .. rather than to say something horrible and destroy someone ? 

The song says... Let there be peace on earth.. and let it begin with me .... 

It doesn't take much to build people up with nice words.. kindness... 

But it takes forever ... to build someone back up .. after they have been torn down. 

If you didn't take time to watch the video... I ask that you do... It is approximately 8 minutes.. It spoke to me ... because I am still licking the wounds of my broken heart and trying to heal. .

This is just my thoughts for today... What's on your mind? 
Please feel free to leave comments in the comment section .. .I always respond and would love to know your response to the video.

Much love .. Shibs





Gravity

Posted by shibarir on October 12, 2013 at 6:00 PM Comments comments (2)

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grav·i·ty

ˈgravitē/Submit

noun

1. PHYSICS

the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass. For most purposes Newton's laws of gravity apply, with minor modifications to take the general theory of relativity into account.

2. extreme or alarming importance; seriousness.

Today I am feeling the gravity of my emotions.  I think that the weight of things that sadden me are pulling me to the earth... and I feel ... 

Winter is drawing near.. and while Winter is my favorite season...This time of year is always bleak for me. The world is colored grey and the night comes sooner.  It is the heaviness of winter beckoning closer.  

It is the anniversary of losing my child.. does one ever ... stop counting the years that go by? I am not certain.  I just know .. that my womb aches and my heart aches... every year.  The loss has weight in my life.  

Sometimes I think of you ... 
and I wonder... 
blue eyes or green
tall or short
chubby or skinny
would you love dogs
or ride horses
or look like .. him.
Would you look like me?
Sometimes I see children
Who .. would be your age.
and I feel my breath catch... and that wistful tear in my chest
and I think 
do you know how much I miss not getting to be yoru mommy?
or I wonder
Will I see you again?
These questions weigh heavy.
In silence that is palpable.. and painful.
I blow kisses into the wind
hoping they find you.
and I think that even a brief time .. 
Was better than no time at all.


I think I feel the culmination of all my loss at this time of year.  Maybe that is why they say that the holidays depress people .  

Today I was talking to a friend about ... different things.  They had mentioned two friends that used to be a couple that have since broken up and well. ... apparently it is a heated ending.

Here is my side of the conversation ...

 

Me :    have friends like that, one of them i got rid of   Imma masochist so .. i keep trying to hold on to people,sometimes that is more painful than never seeing them again. I don't know if i like the punishment of continual rejection ( i am being sarcastic) Or if i am just trying to earn someone's affection It is like a very nasty conundrum..

It's my own fault for loving people too much- it gets me hurt A LOT ;I am trying to figure out how to shut my heart off

 sorry your friends were fighting, that really sucks!   I think love/hate is a fine line- you can't have one without the other...so if you hate someone .. you truly have to love them...you are just wounded

 apathy -  that is where it ends...when you stop giving a fuck!  

when you don't care if another person lives or breathes .. or exists

I wish I knew apathy

the only person i have ever felt .. ambivilent about.. is my ex husband

i don't know if he is alive or dead, and i really don't care

I don't feel like he was ever part of my life

.......

To the one who knows me best...

but loves me the least

To the one, who holds my heart...

but returns it- postage due

I am torn 

When I hear your voice

When I can't fix what hurts you ...

When I can't calm what angers you.

When I know that I shall never have the key to your heart.

To the one...

Who holds my attention. 

Who breaks my heart

Who changed and saved me ...

Yes the one.

Will you ever see me 

Will you ever hear me 

or the way I yearn for your affection. 

To be in your grace.. or thoughts when you close your eyes.

Is it wrong to hope... or to chase a dream that will never come true?

So I fall... into your space.. 

orbiting the place I long to be

In your arms...

In your heart... 

Gravity... Oh how it hurts when you land.

.... 








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Welcome to the Confessional

This is an Adult Blog. Absolutely NO MINORS.

About Shibari:

According to the shirt I am wearing... I am passionate talented young-hearted lovable gorgeous sexy fun cute easy-going strong-willed laugh-out-loud funny shy creative sophisticated fashionable intuitive fantastic edgy fabulous... I dig Domination/submission..bondage. I will try anything once... If I like it twice ;)

 

 

 

 

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