What is it about us humans...?!

 Rhetorical question really...

But you have to wonder why we choose hard paths...

I have not really had a good time as of late...

For some reason the men that I choose to care for fall into the following categories :

1. Emotionally Unavailable

2. Married  

3. Separated ...still married ... emotionally unavailable.

So... that being said .. why do I choose people who can't love me?  That is the question for all ages really... I think that it goes to the fact that we never want it easy, we love the thrill of the chase.. "I can .. I will make you love me"  When really they can NOT and will NOT ever love you. No matter how much you try.

The other part of this is losing a relationship is one thing but I got laid off also.. how fun is that?!  So this has been a stellar two weeks! Remind me to redo this again another time...  I signed up for unemployment.. I am looking for jobs but it is disheartening you know?  

Lesson learned... Nothing in life is guaranteed.. EVER ... Not relationships .. not anything.  So me and the dogs have been hanging out .. I have been doing yoga...  and I have been trying to gain perspective on my life.  I have not been writing .. I think I should probably start that again I am about 86 pages into a novel I have been writing that I put off due to my life.  I started internet dj'ing and suprisingly it is something that I can do well .   While I can't make a certain person love me ... people DO love me  and with that I am quite blessed.  

I even still talk to my wonderful Xavier whom I call X.  He is always so good to contact me .. call me, text me .. We had a brief time together.. but .. sometimes brief is all you need to tap into something that is unexplainable .  He never judges me .. always listens .. and knows how to help me  without really doing anything. This morning.. I wake up and there is a text message waiting for me saying  " I love you kitten, love will always see you through" It was enough to settle whatever fears I had for the day, and I think that I can move forward today.  Take it one day at a time starting today. Get on those projects...

Shower ... yoga... writing .. (writing accomlished with this post .. but you never know some other writing may show up.)    and there is coffee..  (Thank you coffee for being so awesome)  , knowing and accepting care from others is also on this list...

While I doubt X is IN love with me I never doubt his affection .. I never doubt he cares... and I know he DOES love me .. and isn't that all anyone needs?

I know that it has been awhile since I have written .. 

and perhaps I should start by saying that silence... while quiet .. can definitely be golden.!

Sometimes you have to be quiet to maybe better understand the things that are going on in your life.. or to just take a time out because .. you need the peace.

I have written on this blog for a lot of years. 

I have written about all of my ups and downs .. 

My adventures..

My fantasy...

At times I get tired hearing my own voice.. much less the tap tap tapping out of my emotional roller coaster of a life.

Honestly I hate documenting my failure after failure. 

So I went silent.

I have been through so much in such a short amount of time that sometimes I feel like i have been standing in a whirlwind better known as life circling around me.

I have decided to change things ... and I am going to start writing again... 

I am home for Christmas.. and it is a blessing even with the amount of anxiety I went through getting on a plane. 

I have good people in my life. .. who love me and want the best for me.

Yes, I have had my heart broken more than my fair share .. but .. life experiences are what we learn from. I am not sure why God continues to put people in my life that take from my emotional bank and never make deposits. 

This year I plan to make big changes.. I guess you will have to stay posted to see what happens... 

But for now ... I hope that you are having a Merry Christmas.. full of so much love ... 

May your New Year be amazingly blessed... 

Oh la oh llaaa laaaa BAD ROMANCE

Romance gone wrong.. heartbreak .. BLAH de BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!

Been nursing this broken heart.. and it happens.

Too much I think.

When love is given and not returned or rejected… yeah it sucks!

It sucks ESPECIALLY around commercial holidays that pump up the love

language and marketing .. making you feel even more so depressed and

alone!

My Valentines week (cough) Started out on Sunday evening.

I was taking clothes OUT of the washer… when the lid snapped down

cracking me on the bridge of my nose.

I stepped back grabbing my offended nose, thinking to myself…

“Did that just effing hit me in the nose?!”

“It did just hit me in the effing nose”

Then I kind of wailed like a little girl and grabbed some Kleenexes as

my nose not just smarting was now bleeding. I had the starting of two

wonderful shiners and a cut on the bridge.

Call me Rocky Bitches!

I finally got it to stop bleeding but man my face hurt for more than a few days.

Broken heart.. stupid fractured cartilage in my nose… Stupid Awful

Valentine’s day.

It is most likely a case of bruised ego!

On all counts!!!

The good news is… that these things are only temporary.

I have been pretty stressed out at work lately… SUPER busy … and well

the team I am on .. I kind of feel ostracized and not really part of

the team. There is one person who makes my day especially hard. But ah

well.. I am not there to make friends. I am there to do my job well..

And .. I do.

I started applying for some new postions.

I applied for our lead Service Representative… this is someone who

handles disputes and .. well complaints. Not fun.. but more money and

I was hoping for a team I could actually be a part of .. not just

existing in.

I interviewed and it went really well.

Then the director over my whole department called me in and the

conversation was as follows:

Her: I heard you applied for such and such position.

Me: Yes..

Her: Do you have your heart set on that position?

Me: Well…

Her: Because I would like you to DECLINE the position.

Me: …

Me: Why? Am I not qualified? Or … Am I in trouble?

Her: Noooo I have another position in mind for you and I think you

would be fantastic at it.

Me.. Ok… what is it?

Then she tells me about this position about a new department .. new

team.. everything.

Well I put in the application.. Did the interview which was more just

a synopsis of the job.. I got asked NOTHING.

Then I was extended the offer for the position.

I received the written offer today!

I am so friggin excited that I can hardly breathe.

So I am going to celebrate!

I am going to get my haircut… New job New hair!

I am going to buy a bottle of wine.

I am going to take a bubble bath.

I may even get … a pedicure.

AND I am going to splurge and EAT PANCAKES this weekend.

I rarely eat them because well… they make my tummy too full and I am

trying to lose surgery weight

I started writing this prior to the weekend and I am finishing it up on Monday.

Haircut … check

Bottle(s) of wine check check

Bubble bath .. CHECK

Panacakes … CHECK

I also got a mani/pedi from my sister.

Went to a play party at the Erotic Heritage Museum that was nice. I ran into all my friends from my mentoring program. Chatted up ChefTel for a bit. We have always had a great time laughing and talking.

Watched a couple of demos… that was fun .. Held my friend’s G’s hands while she got a pierced corset in her back.. Yeah I was a little squiqued out by that. Wigged out whatever you want to call it!

But I sat and held her hand and watched EVERY needle go in. Gosh I love that Domina Antoinette she has such great energy.

I even got a kiss  .. from a boy! Unexpected but kissing is ohhhh sooo awesome!

I didn’t play.. I just .. I haven’t really wanted to.

I have been taking a break from “the scene”

So much so I dated mr. vanilla and got my heart broken.

Which is Kind of funny really… because as soon as the break up happens .. men kind of just pop out of the woodwork!

Right now I am just keeping my options open. Seeing where this road takes me.

I am feeling pretty content with my life right now.

On the docket this week … spring cleaning…

So how about you ... how is your life between love and hate... love and war.. like and dislike?  Did you have a valentine this year or are you spring cleaning as well? 

I make BAD decisions when I am hurt.

Bad choices even.

I purposely do things I know that I shouldn't because I feel this innate sense to self harm.

It is like punishing myself for failing, and I find I fail alot. My human-ness knows know bounds. knows NO limits. I make mistakes daily.

I find also that I self -punish when being punished. Like the punishment being dished out isn't enough to purge the pain of being imperfect.

Punish me .. With your silence.

Punish me .. with your hateful words.. and lack of care.

It makes no difference.

Punish me .. Let me take the blame.

Punish me - The failure is mine.

It still makes no difference.

Love given... Love taken ...Love lost...

Punish me.

Punish me - This is not new to me

Punish me -

I would like .. the easy life.

One that is uncomplicated... or has no speed bumps or pain attached to it.

I want to be able to give my heart to someone without the fear of it being broken .. only for me to have to superglue the pieces back together again. Or wonder if it is even worth the repair.

When you love someone... why is there pain? Why is there hurt and why is there trust or lack there of?  I am a veteran to break ups. I have had more than my share.. and it is never me breaking up with someone else. I am the one that is left. So that leaves me to question...

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I talked to one of my ex boyfriends with whom I remain close.. And I asked him wtf?

This is what he said "YOU are an awesome girlfriend.. the best girlfriend ... I was the dick in the relationship . I took off on you and you didn't deserve that.  If someone leaves you it is THEIR problem.  you are the most loyal .. dependable .. faithful .. kind and sweet girl I have ever known in my life"

That made me feel a little better... but it still leaves me left.

I am never one of those people to just "cut" people out of my life. When I love someone .. I love them forever.  I don't know how to stop that.. Or change that about myself.  How do you carve someone out of your heart.

Isn't that where bitterness begins?

I find that I am holding pieces of my heart today Hoping that it will heal.

You can be hurt by love... and healed by the same ...

When you care deeply about someone .. you run the risk of your heart being broken.

And so it is broken this fragile heart of mine.

they say it will heal .. that timing is everything.

But I am not so sure.

I have not really felt much like writing.

Honestly, I haven't felt like doing much of anything. I have been going through a series of knee injections. My knee hurts all of the fucking time. So the Doctor decided to do synvasc. I am noticing a difference. My knee doesn't pop all the time , and it doesn't hurt the way it did.  So ... SCORE!

I had a pretty good Christmas. My parents drove in from New Mexico and it was really good to see them.  I always seem to suffer a little situational depression at the holidays . That with missing my stepkids and such.  I miss having a family and doing all the things that families do .

I have made a few decisions for my life and we will see how it goes. One is I am giving up soda. I don't feel very good and I will miss you Dr. Pepper but this is somthing that HAS to be done.  I also have decided to take a time out. A time out for relationships . I am tired of looking and I am wanting something a little closer to normal.. even if I am .. not normal.  I am not even sure that makes any sense.

I have met someone who makes me laugh alot and we are seeing where it goes. He is pretty normal

I have not had a lot of internet time with my connection at home so I have really just kind of spent a lot of time being introspective. Trying to figure some shit out .  I have so much going on in my life.. that the quiet is time that I need. I am doing some redecorating in my house... and hanging with my dogs.

I have always loved cold weather... In all honesty it is my favorite time of year.. I love that my favorite holidays are in the winter.

I dream of living somewhere with snow because I luh-ove it ! I would own a snowmobile and I am pretty sure that I would break my ass several times .. from being crazy .

The only thing I can tell you is that winter does NOT love me right now. Apparently knee surgery and cold and humidity do not mesh well. I went for my second MRI of my surgery knee. I am a little nervous as Thursday I have to have my knee jelly shot. No they are not really shooting grape jelly into my knee but this drug called synvasc. I am honestly a little terrified.  I hate feeling bitter towards my body part but truly this knee has been more trouble that it is worth.

Thus begins my fantasy Christmas List 2011

Dear Santa...

I know that I am not always the best girl . But I am a good girl . I am hoping that I made my way on your nice list.

It has been a really tough year with the two surgeries and I guess it would be too much to ask for a brand new knee ... but .. if you happen to have one lying around .. well I won't complain.

I  normally make a fantasy Christmas list of all the things I would like to have but KNOW I will never receive .. so without further ado Santa here is my list .

This year is pretty bleak financially and I am not really expecting gifts , so I will continue to be thankful for my health.. .my family , my dogs , my turtles and all the things this life offers that may seem small or unmentionable.  

Don't worry Santa.. the cookies and and hot chocolate will be waiting for you regardless...

Much love,

Shibari

It has been a very long time since I have written.

I would like to say that I have a good excuse. I am sure I have alot of excuses. But the truth of the matter is that my real life has had some very real things going on that has made me really not want to write.

The Thursday before Thanksgiving.. my friend Scott went missing. He has been a very good friend that I met through blogging. I have known Scotty since 2005. I knew him under his blogstream name Randy. He wrote a wonderful blog called Life After The Hollow . While many of you know me as Shibari... When I started blogging I was Vegas... and I wrote about my epically failing marriage . Randy was an awesome support system for me. So when he was missing .. I was frantic. I had just heard from him three weeks prior and he had texted me "Hey Shib - I am a little sick right now- I will text you when I am better"  I didn't think much of it. Scott and I emailed- texted and talked on the phone .. when we could.

So we started a social media campaign on twitter and facebook - I was posting his missing poster everywhere I could - Just hoping that my dear friend would be found safe and sound.

So Thursday When the news came out that the police department in Auburn Alabama had found his body. I was beside myself with grief. I was completely broken by the news. I began to cry and really have cried in the days since. In a sense, I felt as though I lost a family member.  It cuts very deep.

So to my Scott- Thank you for helping me find laughter in the midst of my tears...  For being that sounding board that was willing to hear what I had to say .. with no judgements. Who got my duality- who shared thoughts of God and love and ideals. Who sang french fried taters to me to send me into peels of giggles. Who loved with his whole heart.. who was a brilliant photographer.. father and friend.  There is a jagged piece missing from my heart with you not in this world.  I will be forever grateful for your friendship.. forever thankful that God put you smack dab in the middle of my world. I will see you again friend.. But for now I am glad you found peace from your demons... I love you !

And unable to really commit to sleep...

I am tired...

and restless.

Not really sure who I am 

or where I have been

Where I am going

or if this is the same old sin.

I long to feel the cold 

pressed against my face...

the warmth upon my back

and so it is

so it was

so it will be.

scroll for more pics    here I was alot bruised.. alot cut on .. and VERY swollen

It has been... 

ONE YEAR

since my life changed in a really dramatic way.... 

Waking up October 2 nd 2010 and not being able to walk... Was not only the most excruciatingly painful day of my life... but It also changed the way my life is as a whole. 

Forward to October 29th the day of the surgery where anchors were put into my ankle... and the offending bone spur that was trying to  sever my tendon was removed.

It was the beginning of a difficult journey.

To not be able to walk for 12 weeks . Then physical therapy to teach me how to walk again . 

I never knew HOW much I took forgranted the feet that I walk on each day.

I became a little weepy this week.. Talking about it... 

I still don't walk exactly correct. I will probably always limp. 

But I am walking!

I am so grateful to both my Doctor who gave me the ability to walk again, and to my physical therapists who truly worked with me to get my gait straight... 

Now I am working on the fear... The fear of stepping off of a curb.. walking up and down stairs... those kinds of things.

But I am working on it. 

Learning to walk again.. Learning to trust again... Learning to love again .. that is where I am... 

I want to be able to share my whole heart .. my whole self... with another... I will keep you posted on how it goes

For more HNT fun visit Osbasso!